measuring the right things

I tend to be a bit of an overachiever. (Understatement.) I always wanted straight As. I want my numbers to be good whether they are at work or while writing or in book sales or with my health.

Simultaneously, I want to forget about all numbers and focus on the way actions feel. The reasons why I do things.

Needless to say, this can create conflict. I want to be accountable, but I want to be happy. The numbers can keep me honest, but they can also stifle me.

Somewhere in the middle is the happy ground I’m looking for.

I slipped to one side this week—the just get the numbers down side—and I need to rebalance.

In my creative life, my writing, I try to get in a certain number of words each day that translates to a certain number of words each week. 10,000. Since this is week 40 of the year, I’m at well over 400,000 words written this year. So, it’s hard to argue with progress. Thus, a daily word count goal translates to words to play with and books being written. Generally, it means I’m taking action on my dream. What it is, underneath it all, that I truly want.

But one thing I realized this week was I was letting the numbers rule me to the point where they had no meaning. To where they were taking away from my actual goal and dream instead of enhancing it.

I want to finish a book, and part of that is editing. It feels counterproductive to have a goal to add in more words when the proper thing in editing may very well be to delete words. Lots of them at once. Or substitute new ones that add no discernible word count.

So, I made the tough decision. I’m suspending my word count goal for two weeks.

I realize this may not sound earthshattering.

But if you’re a recovering perfectionist who has to practice taking better care of herself, it is. If you’re someone who likes to be accountable and keep promises to herself, but needs a reminder of what it’s really all about, it is. If you’re someone who has a spreadsheet and looks at it to gain external validation that yes, all this time you spend with a laptop is worth something, it is.

Of course, even if I scribbled on a yellow pad, I’d still be writing and that would still be forward motion, no matter if I knew how many words I was writing or not.

But taking a break is simultaneously scary and empowering.

Because it’s giving me permission to be my own boss. Only I can decide what’s good for me and my writing. And I’m learning to trust that I have my own back. That I won’t fall off the wagon of never writing again. And indeed, that editing what I’ve already got is probably the fastest route to getting the 100k+ word book I have into a shape that it can be read by other human beings besides me.

So, my writing today might end up decreasing my word count. That’s okay.

It’s still forward motion in my creative life. And really, that’s what I want underneath it all.

I feel like I’m breaking free from something I constructed. And it’s a wide world out there. I may retreat back to the word count goals, but for now, the next two weeks are crossed off my list.