my potential
My quick Google search defined “potential” as follows: “latent qualities or abilities that may be developed and lead to future success or usefulness.”
I think every word in that definition is interesting. Potential means you have something to work on. Something inside you. (Me.) Something that can be developed to be successful or useful. And if it’s useful or successful, what’s stopping it from being something phenomenal?
Me. (You.)
“You will tend to procrastinate the most about the issues that touch you the most deeply, in terms of expressing and awakening to your potential.” – David Allen
But why?
I find I procrastinate on what I should really be doing—to be the most successful or useful—and I have done so as a habit for a very long time. Back in college, my dorm/room/house was cleanest during finals week. When I studied for the bar, I had a stellar exercise regimen. And now, when I’m trying to figure out how to close the gaps in the book I’m writing and finish the thing … I read other books. I listen to audiobooks. I walk down to the mailbox. Twice. I order things online. I change my outfit. I do my day job.
Why?
Because if I finish this book, what’s going to happen?
Responsibility.
I will feel the creative responsibility to do something with what I made. (Of course, I don’t have to do damned thing about it, logically. It can sit on my computer like all the other unfinished work. There’s nothing MAKING me develop my potential.)
But if I finish the project because I want it to get out there, then what does it mean “to get out there”?
It means it gets judged.
That’s scary.
Oh, and I’ve written about that before. https://www.lesliemcadamauthor.com/blog/2018/12/14/1nwr057zwty6nacg65fvws6jqd43m0
It also means I get what I want.
Oh, and that’s scary.
I’ve written about that too:
https://www.lesliemcadamauthor.com/blog/2020/5/27/fear-of-getting-what-i-want
More than once:
https://www.lesliemcadamauthor.com/blog/2020/3/4/everyday-bravery
More than twice:
So maybe I’m repeating myself thematically because I’m trying to get something through my skull. That it’s okay to live my life double downing on the things that matter and ignoring the things that don’t.
(I’m actually getting there in many ways. I surprised myself last week by checking my average time on Facebook. It never hit over 15 minutes a day. Guess I am really writing and not doing social media. Even though I love Facebook. And it’s been a few weeks since I’ve really watched anything on TV. Even though I love movies and Peaky Blinders.)
(Incidentally, this blog is part of my potential-realizing, dreams-coming-true thing, like I said last week. https://www.lesliemcadamauthor.com/blog/2020/7/11/jealousy)
So, what it is about getting to my potential that scares me? Does Lady Gaga worry about getting to her potential? I think not (or maybe she worries and does it anyway). If only I could be that fierce.
Because there’s an equal fear—of NOT living up to my potential.
So, I’m scared if I do it, and I’m scared if I don’t.
No shit I get stuck.
What’s the way through?
Keeping at it like a bricklayer, scraping more mortar on what I did before and then placing the next brick and the next one. And once I finish this job, go work on another.
Don’t give up no matter what.
I believe in you. I tell myself this. And I tell you it as well.
Brick by brick we will live up to our potential.
