stuff we're not supposed to talk about

Okay, this is a strange blog post, so bear with me.

There’s a Sufjan Stevens lyric: “You checked your texts while I masturbated.” 

[It’s from the song “All of Me Wants All of You.” Here’s the song live (with his bonus adorable dance moves): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JUA0reYsqmY ]

And I think that’s the most heartbreakingly beautiful lyric I’ve heard in a long time.

Because it’s deceptively simple, incredibly vulnerable, and conveys so much more than the seven words.

Think about it.

There’s a couple. At least that line has two people in it. [I’m not even going to analyze the rest of the song, because that lyric has captured my imagination.]

First, there’s the “you” on the phone checking texts.

Why do we check for texts? All sorts of reasons. We could be waiting for someone to get back to us. We could be actually reading a pile of them we’ve ignored. We could be just doing the stress-relieving, anxiety-soothing activity of scrolling on our phone—the extension of our brain in our modern hands. A meaningless habit to keep us from our thoughts—the same expression of modern mental health as “Car Radio” by twenty one pilots.

And then the content of those texts—from spam to earthshattering. What’s happening with the person when they check those texts? What kind of emotions is that person experiencing? It could be anything—from nothing to elation to horror.

In the abstract, my assumption is that the reference to checking texts expresses ennui. Nothing better to do, so might as well check your phone.

Then there’s the “I” masturbating. First, of course, we’re not supposed to talk about that. As you know, I love talking about all of the things we’re not supposed to talk about. Bringing things to the surface.

But, again, I think there’s deeper meaning here.

If the “you” and “I” are not a romantic couple, then this disconnect has a different tone. It’s almost like waiting for an appointment to be done.

If the “you” and “I” of the lyric ARE a couple, though, then it gets even more heartbreaking. Because why aren’t they in bed together? Is it because they are at the beginning of their relationship and haven’t advanced that far? (Thus, a hopeful reading?)

Is the “I” doing something secretive? Does the “You” know?

Is it at the end of the relationship when passion has burned out and there’s that point when they don’t even want to talk to each other or talk to each other?

Or does beating off mean nothing? Is it just a statement of fact? As boring as checking texts?

I’ll note that they’re both doing things with their hands, separately, both of which could have more meaning together. And yet they’re apart.

Both seeming to want the connection and not letting themselves have it.

I think we all do that.