comparing myself to myself

I read recently that the only person you should compare yourself is to yourself. (I read it in Finding Water by Julia Cameron, if you’re wondering.)

A few comments.

First, I hate the word “should.” Just because someone else says you should do something doesn’t mean it’s true.

Digression: I actually don’t hate the word “should.” I don’t hate any word. Not even the word “moist.” I think of words like paint colors—they all can be useful, and forbidding myself from using any particular word limits creativity. There are certain circumstances where that hated word is the perfect word and should be used. note ironic use of should. I suppose there are painters who limit their palettes and only use black and white, or whatever, but it seems to me like even if I didn’t like yellow, I should use it if I’m painting a sunny landscape. note another ironic use of should. End digression.

I get anxious with the word “should” because—duh—it’s inherently anxiety-producing. I always read that I should be doing something different than I already am, which means whatever I’m doing isn’t the best thing. Isn’t perfect.

Of course, that interpretation is premised on a fallacy. Whatever I’m doing right now in this moment is alwaysthe best thing I could be doing based on all the circumstances. At least it is if I have a kind enough perspective of my own activities and enough self-forgiveness to let myself be imperfect. Meaning, if the best thing I can do right now is watch 007-Q ship videos on YouTube because I’m too mentally exhausted to contemplate anything in the real world, then that’s the best thing I can be doing. Not that I have been doing that, but if you wanted to see one, here’s what I’m talking about. Not that I know about it.  You’re welcome. Also go read Partnership by Valerie Vaughn if you need that particular itch scratched.  I loved that book so much. GAHHH.

Second, even though the idea has the dreaded should word, I absolutely love the idea of only comparing myself to myself.

Because it draws me back into the right focus. When I get externally focused and start looking around at what everyone else has done, I get jealous.

So, this idea reminds me to knock it off.

Instead the questions become:

Where was I last year? Last week? Yesterday? Ten years ago? When I was a child?

Also, it reminds me to spend some time thinking about those comparisons that don’t have a chronos time associated with them, but rather a sentimentality. For example, I used to believe [something old and outdated] about myself, and now I don’t do that, and I feel healthier now because of the change. Those kinds of comparisons remind me that I’m doing okay. I think those kinds of comparisons are perspective-enhancing. Life-affirming.

They remind me of the gestational period of creative ideas and the inherently interesting journey of development of anything. (I suppose it’s only inherently interesting to myself, but I’m assuming you know that you can apply what I’m writing to yourself and see if it fits. Like trying on a pair of pants. Maybe they’re too tight or bag on your waist and you shouldn’t buy them, or maybe they make your ass look fabulous and you should. What I say here could apply to you, which is why I write it, but I understand if it doesn’t. Just keep shopping for ideas until you find the perfect ones.)

Anyway, back to the point. I think the quote about only comparing yourself to yourself is very pragmatic. Because while I know comparisons are odious (thanks, Madeleine L’Engle), I do them. So, if I’m going to do them, this is a more productive way of going about it.

Should we do comparisons at all?

I don’t know. I often get inspiring ideas from looking around at other people. We all do, I’m sure. So, perhaps comparisons are only dangerous when I weaponize them, using them against myself. Using them to make myself smaller, when the whole point of self-development is to become bigger than who I was before. Kinder, more creative, happier, and more fulfilled.

Also, don’t we only live in this world relative to others? Meaning—and here I go butchering physics again—if everything is relative to another (and perhaps dependent on the viewer), then maybe comparisons are inevitable. And if something is inevitable, then perhaps it doesn’t need to be judged as something we “should” or shouldn’t do. It just is.

Comparisons are natural and normal regardless of whether I should or should not do them.

All of that is a long way of saying, be kind to myself. To yourself. And if I start beating myself up with looking around at other people, to take a step back and look at myself. And remind myself of how far I’ve come.

 Also, if you didn't think I’d use an eggplant image to illustrate this, or if you don’t get it, you’re too pure for this world, and I love you. Thank you, Unsplash, for the image, as always.