expectations

I set a lot of goals for myself. But putting myself out there (publishing books) means I not only have to deal with my own expectations, but also those of others. While I try to focus only on my own hopes, that doesn’t mean the expectations of others don’t creep into my brain. I do my best to just focus on the work because most of the time I think that’s something I can control—at least I can control how often I show up to do the work. And that’s how I figure I’ll get to my goals.

But of course just because I set a goal (like publishing a new book) and have an expectation (it will do well/people will like it) doesn’t mean it’ll happen. After all, as James Clear points out, presumably both winners and losers at the Olympics have the goal of a gold medal. The goal doesn’t make it happen.

This comes into play when I work on my books. I have high expectations for all of my books because … because I just do. I’ve always released the best book I could at the time, but none have performed the way I “expected” them to as far as sales. Not yet at least. I still have hope. That said, I’ve had some completely unexpected successes (generally personal connections from readers who message me) that mean way more than anything I could ever dream of. Like people tattooing my words on their body. OMG that’s everything.

But right now I have a few weird things going on with expectations. First, I have a manuscript that’s written, and in rereading it, I feel good. It’s exceeded my own expectations as far as quality and art. That is, even if the final book doesn’t do well from a sales standpoint, I know it’s a better book than I had hoped to write. Cool. That makes me happy. I can’t control its reception, but I know I’m glad it exists and that people will soon be able to enjoy it, if they’re into that sort of thing. So I can manage the expectations because I’m already content.

That one’s done, though.

Now I’m working on another book that’s given me trouble for a long time, and no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, it still gives me issues. I feel like I’ve manufactured all these expectations for the book, and it’s not meeting them. Which of course I don’t like. And those are just the expectations I put on myself, let alone those of my readers, who should get the best book I can produce. Whether they have said anything to me about it or not, I still feel the weight of public expectations.

I was thinking about that today, and so I did what I often do—google it.

I came across this phrase: “Expectations are premeditated resentments.” Well, hell.

One article that mentioned it talked about how an expectation is thinking you’re going to be happy in the future when something happens. In other words, you’re (I’m) not living in the now. It also said expectations signify an underlying belief that expecting something will happen can make it so. It can’t.

Hmmm.

I think what this means is I’m getting too far ahead of myself with the book I’m struggling with. What I need to do—and this blog article is to remind myself—is to just show up every day and write the best book I can. And focus on right now. Enjoying the process of this chapter, this scene, this paragraph, this sentence, this word. This couple. Their love story.

If I expect too much of it, I might be doing this “premeditated resentment” thing. Probably better to just let that all go.

Easier said than done. Any suggestions?