"that's okay, it's not for you."

I’ve had a shift in mindset lately.

I think I’ve probably experienced every emotion possible when processing readers’ reactions to my work as a writer, but when they’re positive, I tend to discount them, and when they’re negative, I tend to get hurt.

I’ve coped with the negative feedback in a few ways. (Dealing with the positive is probably another blog post.)

One way is to build myself up. To ask (only in my head), “Oh, how did you do it in your book? That’s right, you don’t have one.” To seek solace in the words of Brené Brown: “if you’re not in the arena also getting your ass kicked, I’m not interested in your feedback.”

And while that can be comforting on one level—an Ego/Id level, I think—I’ve found another phrase to be much more comforting.

“That’s okay. It’s not for you.” (Thank you, Seth Godin, for that one.)

I really like this phrase because it doesn’t make anyone right or wrong. A reader is entitled to her opinion. And if it’s a mismatch between what I create and what she wants, then it’s not for her.

End of story.

What this means is that I need to focus on who I am making these stories for, besides myself.

I write romance. I love love stories.

If you read murder mysteries, you’re not going to like my books.

“That’s okay. It’s not for you.”

If within the romance genre, you like “clean” romance, you’re not going to like my books. My characters swear and have sex.

“That’s okay. It’s not for you.”

But if you do like steamy romance, and my book doesn’t deliver, that’s okay, too (I mean, so long as I tried to do the best I could and didn’t phone it in.)

Because reading is so personal. We interpret books through our own experiences. And if they align with how we see the world or how we want to see the world, we like to read them. If they don’t, if they piss us off, make us uncomfortable, or we don’t like the characters, then we don’t like to read it. And assuming basic quality issues are taken care of, that might be all there is to it.

“That’s okay, it’s not for you.”

I think the trick is finding the ones who your (my) work IS for and doubling down on that.

I think I’ve boiled down my reader to someone who reads sex with meaning. Sex with meaning is a phrase i can remember since it’s only three words. If I deliver that—someone who wants a sexy story that has a reason behind everything—then that person is my reader.

Now, if that reader reads my book and still doesn’t like it, then I have more work to do.

Because in that case, it actually IS for you. And in that case, whatever feedback I receive is enormously helpful, because (Seth Godin again), I’m learning that sharing my writing is an act of generosity. If I haven’t given you what you want to receive, then I have more work to do. And while that can be a tough pill to swallow, it’s also really helpful to receive that kind of feedback because I know I can do things better in the future.

I realize the audience for this blog may be different than the one who reads my romance books.

“That’s okay, it’s not for you.”

But if you find what I say helpful, encouraging, clarifying, or inspiring, then I’ve done what I accomplished.

I’m doubling down on that.