numbers

For a year or so, I’ve diligently been tracking a lot of numbers. Words written. Blog posts posted. Hours billed. Height, weight, blood type, bank account balance. (Okay, I’m kidding about a few of those.)

But I wanted to get a good sense of what it was that I was doing and figure out ways to improve. Kind of a “take inventory where I am and then know where I want to go” thing. I got a little thrill for every time the number moved in a way I wanted.

Of course, numbers don’t always work the way I want. Change doesn’t happen fast enough, I fret about not doing enough, life gets in the way. In other words, I get bummed when the numbers don’t change or don’t change fast enough. When I don’t seem to be doing that longed-for one percent improvement.

I’ll note too, that there are plenty of things I don’t track. Number of followers or subscribers, books sold, ranking, and similar. I think I like to track things I can “control” to some degree. Things I can’t, I don’t bother. My thinking is if I control my activity, the results will at some point follow. The truth is sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn’t, so I’m still figuring it out.

Here’s my story.

Last week was busy. I released a book, had my husband’s birthday, and a big project at work. Knowing this, I let myself off the hook for hours to bill at work, saying all I needed to do was get the project done and not focus on the time. Now that I’m thinking about it, I kind of said the same for writing—that I was rewriting, so it was okay to rework old stuff rather than just create new.

In the past, when I’ve let go of control of the numbers, things have slipped. I’ve gained weight, lost money, and not been productive.

Last week, though? Last week I ended up with my most hours billed and words written all year (granted, we’re in week seven, but still). More, I ended up totally in the flow.

There’s a lesson there, isn’t there?

I’m thinking that my relationship with numbers needs to be more of a dance rather than a meeting with the school principal. That the meaning the numbers signify is more important than the actual number, if that makes sense.

In other words, fewer words, but words that are more polished and actually published, are the aim. In reality, any words count. Somewhere in the middle is the truth. I need to let go and brainstorm. I need to have the freedom to play. But I also have to have the discipline to show up.

Moderation. Interesting.