scrolling

I open my phone. Click on my usual apps. Scroll.

I’ve turned off most notifications on my phone, so to see if something has changed, I have to go check. And then check again. And again.

Maybe I interact with someone or save a meme. Maybe my thumb navigates to an article or link—usually about something I would never have independently come up with to look for. This morning, after watching a ten minute video in French, I spent an hour trying to track down the pair of earrings the woman was wearing.

I never found them, but I did find that she wears them over and over again in her photos.

I’m pretty sure this was not a productive use of time.

I’m also pretty sure all of my time is not required to be productive. I’m allowed some down time.

But I searched and clicked and got lost on Instagram. YouTube. Google.

My thought processes were pretty mean. They were something like:

Look up. Time has gone by. Twenty minutes.

What the hell?

I should put down my phone.

<But then five minutes later>

I’m scrolling.

Searching.

Looking for something.

A meme.

An idea.

I want inspiration. Maybe. Or entertainment.

But it’s often I’m not looking for any of that. It’s just that I feel anxious and I can’t deal with the ennui.

An hour goes by.

So, I chastise myself.

I should be doing something else. I should just put the phone down.

I do.

Then I pick the phone up again.

This cycle. Sigh.

I can often guard against it simply because during the day, I’m working. Or I’m writing or doing something. Hence, I’m not on my phone for periods of time.

But right now—the weekend before I’m taking a vacation—I’m noticing how much I scroll when anxious. I guess I’m writing this to process it (and hoping this article isn’t the same anxiety-scroll for you).

When he does it, my husband calls it “doomscrolling” (as do many others).

But for me I don’t tend to get suckered into the doom and gloom or the schadenfreude of others. I don’t click on horrible news articles (for the most part) and I’m not looking for entertainment, either—at least not in the sense that I’m watching a YouTube video as a show like I’d watch television. I also tend to avoid negative people and comments.

Still, though, it’s anxiety-producing at the same time that it’s anxiety-relieving. I must be psychologically getting something out of it, or I wouldn’t do it. I’m assuming the benefit is just the need to turn my brain off for a little bit. Or to follow some curiosity. Sometimes I find helpful hints or quotes that speak to me.

So, I am getting something out of this, both in the activity and in the results.

And yet I find that after, I’m more anxious than I was when I started.

Perhaps, it’s because I’m looking for something outside myself to satisfy, when really I should be looking in.

(I hate that word, “should.”)

The only cure I know is to be intentional about my time. To do something that I really want to do (like write a blog post or today’s words) or something that makes me feel accomplished (like cleaning makeup brushes or folding laundry).

And then forgive, and forgive again, when I pick up my phone and start scrolling because I don’t know what else to do in that very moment.