productivity and rest

I took a day off yesterday.

… and I had to go through all sorts of mental gymnastics about it.

The short story: My grandmother died. I didn’t really want to be at work in tears, so I stayed home.

Problem is, I kept feeling the need to justify taking a break.

Like, oh, I’m grieving, so I can take a break. (This sounds more flippant than I feel. Apologies. I’m still processing.)

Or—after hours of Norwegian teen drama—I got a concept idea for a book. So … wow. Taking time off was productive because this idea came to me.

Now, no one else questioned my need for a day off. And if I had seen someone else in the same circumstances as me, I’d tell them to go take a break.

So, why don’t I treat myself as well as I treat others?

Productivity is pretty ingrained in me. And while I value slowing down and enjoying moments, I still get caught in these cycles of feeling anxious about not doing what I should be doing … and not feeling like I’m ever enough. I feel like I haven’t done enough, written enough, achieved enough, produced enough.

Yeah. So. Anxiety.

Under that line of thinking, spending a day watching Norwegian teen dramas is a waste.  I felt ashamed. (Amusing that I was watching Skam, which means Shame.)

But it really was self-care.

I want to be kind enough to myself to let myself take a break—shame-free—regardless of the justification. And, because I overthink everything, I also want to not beat up on myself for needing a justification … if that makes sense.

I talked about it with my therapist today, and he had an interesting concept: that I could honor my grandmother by spending time with myself. She was a very contented and happy person. Not anxious. She lived in the moment and enjoyed her days.

I could enjoy my day, too. No matter what I was doing. Just as simple as that.